Mappa Mundi

Mappa mundi. On my back I
sleep without mountains, or oceans,
or broken continents drifting off
in search for more.
Birds turn origami and
I am left with an echo.

Somewhere between maple rain
and God’s sweet thumb I broke
the rules.
Sand has lost all reason.
Sun has lost its meaning.
Direction is meant for the breathing…
So is matter.

Mappa mundi. Inside
I am a universe. The eye of God, on my
back, giving birth to angels with
white wings of clouds.
Thunder claps in approval
while I whistle an old echo
to the vast dark matter

that prays for existence.

Title Of Next Chapbook

I think I just might announce the title of my next chapbook……??? ;) Maybe??!!

P.S. – to those couple of you still waiting for a copy of the old chapbook, I have copies prepared now. It took a minute to get them ready but they will be sent out.

Awareness Post #2 It is a strange thing.

Maggie Mae:

I decided to reblog this blog because of the devastating impact that divorce can have on a person. I feel like divorce happens so often that we sometimes forget about what devastation can occur. I am neither for nor against divorce. I am not trying to start a philosophical discussion. This is a simple post of awareness. We should all be aware.

XOXO

~MM

Originally posted on johnjzokovitch:

It is a strange thing to walk into a place where the faces are all familiar, many of them faces that you knew once cared about you and thought kindly of you. But now you’re no longer sure. You don’t know what these people really think about you anymore.

It was the funeral for a man who I loved like an extended member of my family. It was at the church where I had gone before but stopped going, stopped being involved after my wife left and then divorced me. It was the first time I had been there in nearly two years, but I wanted to go; I loved this man and I loved his wife, their daughter who has been like a sister, and her siblings, some of whom I hold in my heart with kindness and gratitude.

I wanted to be there to celebrate his life, to…

View original 958 more words

I Don’t Know What To

I can’t name you or call you by your name, at this time. You are streaked against the glass, your guts are spilling out.

Be brave and talk to yourself. You deserve to hear the truth as much as I do. Wait. No.
Let me tell you.

You’ve soiled yourself again like an elderly flower. I came to change you, but you won’t have me anywhere
outside of your bed.

Well my bed is too nervous to have you, so I take my voice back instead of shaming you. Wait. No. Let me hand it to you. She is braver than you.

Have you heard what they call her? Does she even have a name? It doesn’t matter. She is stronger than water and moves like a rock.

I bricked her, I blocked her,
but her head is tilted right to the life-sized bottle of wine at her side. At this time, I can’t call you, or name you, or love you, or hate you.

I answer only to the thin
glass dividing us,
that let’s nothing in.

Blog For Mental Health 2015

bfmh15-4-copy

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.” ~ Blogformentalhealth.com

Clearly the main focus of maggiemaeijustsaythis is to bring attention to different struggles and challenges that people have everyday. I always hope that my blog helps someone feel like they are not completely alone in the world….because we aren’t, and we shouldn’t have to feel ashamed or embarrassed because we are trying so hard to not be debilitated by our struggles.

I am sure that my own struggles show in my writing, but I rarely talk about it….like most other people that suffer from mental health issues. As part of Blog For Mental Health 2015, we are asked to share a bit about our own experience with mental health problems and I can’t think of a better reason to talk about mine than to help raise awareness and erase stigmas surrounding the serious and life-impacting devastation that is all mental health issues.

Ever since I was a child I have suffered from rapid cycling bipolar disorder that was not diagnosed and properly treated until a few months ago. (I am 31 yrs old). The bipolar disorder caused a lot of anxiety, paranoia, and slight hallucinations. The manic episodes catapulted me into de-realization and depersonalization so much that it has been very difficult for me to form close connections with people. In my teenage years, doctors were constantly changing my medication. They insisted that I had major depression, borderline personality disorder, social anxiety….etc. All of the medications made me feel like a zombie which took even more away from my ability to form close relationships with people.

I started self-harming when I was under 10 years old, though I don’t remember the age. I started by slamming my knees and elbows into things. I hit my head extremely hard on objects to try to give myself amnesia or something worse. I had suicide letters in place at the age of 11…(just in case.) I burned, I cut, I used erasers, I used needles, I used glass, I used anything I could find to inflict pain on myself. I was obsessed with death and dying for most of my life. Which led me to Emily Dickinson ;)

This, on top of other very personal situations I’ve lived, is what has brought me here and is the most significant force behind why I write. Writing is how I cope. I’ve been writing since I was 14. It takes me somewhere that no thing, no person, no place, can ever take me to. I am in Heaven when I write. I am at peace when I write.

And, If I’m lucky….I get the privilege of getting to talk to some of you!!!

<3 ~ XOXO MM

To Prove Something

The best part of the sun, where it melts away for its own reflection.
To prove something.

We stand in snake skin and
leopard print, digging for
bones of the extinct

while money blows up the noses
of our youth.

I thought about you today.
Your early reflection smoking
life into you,
black coffee lungs watching the sunrise bring life into
the rest of us.

My skin is hanging up now.
I am melting away for my reflection to do the same.
To prove something.

AWARENESS POST #1 (The Story of 2014 (In Short))……

I thought this short blog entry fitting for the New Year.  When I read it, not only did I feel empathy for this woman’s situation, but also a deep sense of gratitude.  I can only speak for myself when I say that I too often forget the small things in my life that I have to be so grateful for.  One of the reasons that I wanted to start sharing other people’s stories is because I want to remind myself each day that we all have things to be grateful for in life….and that is how this woman ends her entry.  With strength and hope.  I find spirit in this woman and I want to say Thank You to her for having the courage to find her strengths and weaknesses and sharing them with us.

To check out more of her story of trials and strength, please visit her at her blog Living With It

The Story Of 2014 (In Short)…

2014 had been a horrid year. I was diagnosed early in the year with clinical depression and anxiety/panic disorder, after struggling with depression, self-harm & such since the age of 13 (along with other health problems). I managed to fail my A-Levels (which I am now resitting). My maternal grandmother died in October of a pulmonary embolism caused by simply spraining her ankle a couple of weeks prior. And my maternal grandfather (Pops) was diagnosed with terminal cancer October 12th, Non-small cell lung cancer which has caused lymph node infiltration & multiple brain metastases. Pops is now living with my family, my partner & I as he can’t care for himself anymore and has to be supervised 24 hours a day. He has just had his first cycle of palliative chemotherapy (a type of chemo which manages the symptoms of cancer as opposed to fighting/curing it) and I am unsure as to whether he’ll continue with it as it is causing his remaining time with us to be spent feeling ill and sleeping. However, I suppose that we can often overlook these unsavoury side effects if it means living a little while longer, who knows.

On a brighter note however, I am still in recovery (I suffer from an eating disorder) and have gained 2.5 stone. And am now a size UK 8.

So, there you have it a short summary of the life events of 2014, hopefully the new year will bring better prospects.

NEW YEAR – NEW BLOG

This year I want to try something different with MAGGIEMAEIJUSTSAYTHIS.  I want to start sharing posts from other people that can help raise awareness of different issues like: eating disorders, depression, anxiety, suicide, self-harm, death, loss, addiction, etc.  I will always add new pieces of my own writing here, but I am excited to read more, hear more, see more, feel more from all of you!!!

Happy New Year and thank you all of you who have stayed with me for so long and everyone who has simply stopped by and said hello.  You guys are amazing!!

XOXOXO ~ MM

One Sweet Gulp

quick bolt tight lightning
grip, thigh deep
in thick sand

south landing mound
in palm of your hand
hot air

tumbles over bare
back, raw hide lash
prints where cougars
sit

Black panther, I pray
for a taste
of your thread,
silk lessons spinning
deep under
skin

pricked thorns leak
wildly like
we

a gesture
a kiss
a swift, single move

then tongue to tongue
a battle for the best
pulse over pulse
one
sweet
gulp

Sleep Walk

Sleep-walk

through a black body bag

toe’s tagged

he falls dirty like a dish rag

My love, his chalk

outline becomes my bed

he sleeps deep inside my lungs

I try to cough up his death

We exhale sharply together,

our silly little game

one of us a winner

the other in the grave

I am stuck with this raw, young body here

but he has taken my blood

my pulse is stiff against a man

yet I howl for the touch

For the moon’s milk

to puncture my skin

pray for my spirit

bring me to life again

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